Done with Dating?

When kids are done with dating….before they have gone on a date? When kids look to the internet to answer sensitive questions, the search results can cause more harm than good.

When a 6th grade boy makes a comment such as, “My girlfriend in 4th grade cheated on me and I’m done with females,” it is perhaps natural to find humor in the situation, wondering what constitutes “cheating” to someone still years away from getting a driver’s license. It becomes a bit more concerning when an entire classroom of 6th grade boys express similar attitudes towards dating, stating that they “have trust issues” having been betrayed by a former crush. We encounter these comments more and more frequently, and, as an educator, I have to wonder, where is all the cynicism coming from? Children and teens are known for STRONG opinions, but why are adolescent children interpreting playground relationships so dramatically? They are often concluding negative value judgements about humankind in general. Casual observation would tell me that middle school relationship dynamics between students may not be so different from previous generations, but that the interpretations around these interactions are disturbingly different and potentially dangerous.

Many teens we teach at The EDGE are experiencing the ups and downs of “first loves” and crushes, and are trying to make sense of the emotional language that goes with the territory. One consistent fear we hear about is “being cheated on” by someone they are dating, or “used and lied to” in future relationships. Many express negative stereotypes regarding the opposite sex’s character, with questions like “why do all men/women lie? Cheat? Etc.” Many can be pessimistic about dating, marriage, and even having families of their own one day. Many have already accessed adult content to answer the more physical questions they might have about sex.

So, what’s changed for students in 2023? Why is there an obsession with cheating and betrayal added on to the existential dread usually not found in those yet in college? It appears that the internet may be the primary problem, with kids accessing TiKTok and YouTube creators for “relationship advice.” Google a few questions tweens might have regarding dating, and you will be alarmed at the inappropriate content suggested. Kids are asking the embarrassing questions to search algorithms, accessing blogs and content that is inappropriate for minors, and generally meant for entertainment purposes. Kids interpret information VERY literally, and they can be very influenced by content creators, many of whom earn viewers by being scandalous, presenting their personal experiences and view points as facts. Kids and teens in America are spending more time than ever using screens and social media, with the number of hours spent online having risen sharply during the pandemic, according to results from a survey released Wednesday.

The survey, published by the nonprofit research organization Common Sense Media, found that overall screen use among teens and tweens increased by 17 percent from 2019 to 2021 — growing more rapidly than in the four years prior. On average, daily screen use went up among tweens (ages 8 to 12) to five hours and 33 minutes from four hours and 44 minutes, and to eight hours and 39 minutes from seven hours and 22 minutes for teens (ages 13 to 18).

Of particular concern to some who track screen time is an upswing in social media use among children ages 8 to 12, on platforms such as Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook, even though such platforms require users to be at least 13 because of a law that prohibits companies from collecting data from children. The majority of EDGE students in 6th grade admit to lying to create social media accounts, usually without parental approval. It becomes much easier to seek information from online sources, as opposed to speaking to trusted adults or even peers.

The findings “don’t surprise me,” said Diana Graber, the founder of Cyberwise, a website for adults who want to help young people use technology safely, and the author of “Raising Humans in a Digital World.” During the pandemic, she said, kids turned to screens for entertainment and to connect with friends, since many didn’t have in-person school or activities. But, she added, “the huge number of kids using social when they’re so young — it makes me want to cry,” she said. “These social media apps are not designed for children.”

(https://www.libraryjournal.com/review/screenwise-helping-kids-thrive-and-survive-in-their-digital-world)

The new survey, which polled 1,306 people ages 8 to 18 online, suggested that kids were not primarily using screens to stay in touch with peers. Teens, for instance, reported spending more than three hours a day on average watching videos or TV and nearly two hours a day gaming — but only 20 minutes a day video-chatting with friends. It’s important to consider what kids are not doing when they spend so much time on screens. “You worry if it’s replacing activities, like sleep, family time, reading, chores — other things that are positive for kids,” Dr. Heitner said. “That’s definitely a real concern.”

It’s worrying that kids under 13 are using social media at all, Ms. Graber said. Social media platforms often include graphic and scary content that young kids are not ready to see. “Kids might stumble across pornography, images of self-harm or posts that promote disordered eating, Dr. Heitner added. Even Roblox, which many younger kids use, has had problems recently with explicit content.

“A young child — they have no idea what’s real and what’s fake,” she said. “So they could fall down this rabbit hole of misinformation and find a very confusing world in front of them.” She noted that YouTube in particular had a worrying algorithm that was designed to expose viewers to more extreme content over time. It’s also not healthy for younger kids to be exposed to the social complexities intrinsic to social media, Dr. Heitner said. “Social comparison, and the potential to see events that you’re not included in or missing out on, can be painful,” she said.

What parents can do?

One exercise Ms. Graber does with her digital-literacy students — and that parents could also try at home — is to ask kids to analyze how they spend their time over the course of a single day. Often, “they’re kind of surprised at how much time they spend on screens,” she said. Parents may also want to sit down with their kids and create a technology agreement, Ms. Graber said, outlining various details including when and where kids can use screens and for how long. Perhaps younger kids can watch YouTube only when a parent is in the room with them, for instance.

“For a lot of kids, that’s going to be a good caution — ‘Oh, maybe I’m not going to click on the gross thing because my mom’s right there,’” Dr. Heitner said. When younger kids use screens alone, parents can limit their use to apps that adults can more easily control, such as Netflix or Disney+. It’s imperative that parents become actively involved in what websites and apps kids are using. Although a child might be a few years away from an ACTUAL real time relationship, using the internet as an information source for sensitive and personal information, can cause fear and anxiety the developing mind is not ready for. There is a negative correlation between time online and healthy relationships. Finding resources to monitor and control what information your child is accessing is an urgent step.

In the next blog, we will discuss what values, in general, can be modeled and discussed with kids to protect themselves emotionally and physically, and set them up for healthy relationships with others on all levels.