Done with Dating? Part II

Being your child’s “relationship coach”, when you feel self-conscious…

The best way for teens to learn about healthy relationships is through watching their parents. As families today may vary from the more traditional structure of past generations, children may experience a portion of life with a single parent, who is dating someone seriously, or marrying a new stepparent. It goes without saying that a parent’s attitude towards all relationships (friends, family, romantic, professional) will influence how a child will engage with the world. There may be breakups and make ups to endure, and kids are hypersensitive to what’s going on with adult relationships around them. In my last blog, I discussed the problem of children and teens accessing and viewing content they are not ready to process objectively. From vulgar content in music videos, websites providing explicit sexual entertainment disguised as professional relationship advice, to content creators spreading wretched misinformation about relationships. To an 11 year old boy, a popular MMA fighter and rap star can hold ultimate wisdom and authority and become an example of how to view women in relationships.

There has been a lot of discussion on the effects of divorce on children, and how important it is for parents to remain respectful and positive to each other. People are far from perfect, and therefore, no relationships are perfect. Many parents who feel they have made serious relationship mistakes in the past, may lack confidence in communicating better decision making to their kids. This is understandable, but communicating certain ideas and standards, even if we feel we have failed to meet them, can be of huge service to our teens. When the time is right, you can even discuss where you made mistakes yourself, which models honesty and forgiveness to them, which are invaluable. Talking frankly with your teen about your lived experiences will set the stage for ongoing conversations and an enriched parent child experience.

Honest and open conversations are imperative, as are modeling relationship values in all areas for our kids. When they see their parents treating each other, friends, and family with honesty, respect, trust, and open communication, teens will begin to expect that type of treatment in their own relationships. However, not every teen has two parents in the home, and certainly not every relationship a parent has is healthy. With that in mind, relationship experts would agree that the following are the important standards for ALL healthy relationships.

Trust. Each person in a good relationship should know they can rely on each other. They know they can count on this person to come through for them and be supportive. They feel their secrets are safe with this person and that they can believe what the other person says to them. They believe the other person will not do anything intentional to hurt them.

Respect. In healthy relationships, people talk to each other in ways that don’t put down, insult, or belittle. They value each other’s time and opinions. They protect each other’s privacy and personal space.

Honesty. Each person should always be truthful and open. They can express what they want, or discuss their hopes, without fearing how the other person will respond. They don’t feel like the other person is hiding things from them.

Growth. In a healthy relationship, people want each other to enjoy their favorite activities, learn new things, and spend time with family and friends alike. In life, our hopes, fears, goals, and interests will constantly change, and people who are in good relationships will understand, and even embrace, those changes.

Empathy. Each person should be willing to understand and validate the other person’s perspective.

Balance of Power. In a healthy relationship, both people feel like they are on equal footing. They can make their own decisions without fear of retaliation or judgment. They feel physically safe. They respect each other’s opinions and independence. No one pressures the other person to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable. And they put equal effort into their relationship.

Compromise. Conflict is bound to arise in every relationship. People should be able to compromise and negotiate to a mutually agreeable solution when there are disagreements.

Communication. In a healthy relationship, each person can share their feelings, even when they don’t agree, in a way that makes the other person feel safe, heard, and not judged.

After a year of teaching teenagers, I encourage all families to openly discuss the core values that make relationships healthy, model them to the best of our ability and make sure our child is receiving dating advice information from positive sources that are in line with a positive healthy lifestyle.