Parenting Teens: Part 2
It’s important to open up conversations on mental health, not slam them shut….
You’re hanging out with a family member or friend and suddenly they say something that you’re not sure how to react to — it’s a suicide joke. Maybe your football team missed a field goal, you’re stuck in demoralizing traffic, or an opinionated talking head on the news says something ridiculous about America — again. Whatever the circumstance, they suddenly blurt out, flippantly, “Ugh, I’m going to kill myself.” Most of us have done this many times.
Working in wellness, and having had significant mental health issues personally, and within my family, I’m a little more careful with my words. Looking back, making sarcastic comments such as “ugh, I’m gonna jump off the building” or “hey give me my sweatshirt back or I’ll kill you” were pretty common in college. Now that I’m older, and have had to deal with issues of life, death, and loss, I am a little more conscientious.
So, when it’s your child, what do you do? Do you completely ignore the remark, categorizing it as harmless based on its tone? Do you tell them, like some sort of PSA-wielding finger-wager, not to say things like that? Do you freeze up, concerned, but unsure how to talk about what they said? Should they be warned “don’t joke like that!” Is it worth discussing with your child or teen, or do you worry they will shut down conversation, as you are “tone policing” a trivial comment.
Any of those reactions would be understandable, and it can be quite an uncomfortable position to be in. I’ve researched this issue recently, after being made aware of a current “meme” trend featuring the term “back to school necklace” referencing a hanging noose. I was pretty disturbed when I saw this online, and I had to process a little Gen Z dark humor empathy to pull my thoughts together. Gen Z humor, I am finding, can be DARK and disturbing, and some say that using dark humor is a way to process emotions. To relate, I recall my friends and I literally dancing to The Cure, Depeche Mode, and Ozzy Osbourne, who was literally sued over a popular song called “suicide solution”. I see all of that as subtle “romancing” of a brutally serious subject, whether intentional or not. At the time I saw it as cool, counter culture, and frankly that listening to it made me look more emotionally deep to my peers.
You don’t want to upset your teen by calling them out if they were just trying to get a laugh. And if they turn around and insist they were totally kidding, you might become embarrassed for being paranoid. The tricky thing about this situation is, dark humor is common and people employ it all the time, with no intention of self-harm. Sometimes it’s just off the cuff commentary. Some people pull off the irreverent/overtly dramatic monotone flawlessly as a comedic tool. But in cases when someone mentions taking their own life, if there’s any whiff of seriousness in it, it should raise a red flag. As my mom used to say, “Error on the side of caution”. As parents, it has to be care before cool. Come from a place of compassion and concern, not criticism. It’s imperative to reply kindly with concern, not condemningly with a scolding, “that’s not funny! Never say THAT!” A child might perceive that if you can’t understand their humor, how could you understand their pain. You don’t want to inadvertently declare the discussion of self-harm as rude or inappropriate.
“The reason we have to take threats of suicide, or just even jokes about suicide seriously is that oftentimes that is an individual’s cry for help or a statement that they’re really hoping that you can help them to see their options, or get to a better place,” says Maggie Vaughan, a clinical psychologist who specializes in mood disorders and relationships.
“A person might joke about killing themselves instead of making a straightforward plea for help, because they're concerned with burdening others with their pain,” Vaughan tells Mic. “Reaching out in any way to a friend or loved one about suicidal thoughts generates a high level of emotional intimacy that some may not be terribly comfortable with, in either party.”
“That’s why, a lot of times, when people hear someone joke or make a reference to suicide, they brush it off in their own minds [and] reason, ‘This must just be a joke; this person’s always had a dark sense of humor,’ instead of taking it seriously, because it is so emotionally intimate [and] they don’t want to make someone feel uncomfortable OR appear judgmental,” Vaughan says.
For teens thinking about suicide, even in a fleeting way, an attractive option to express this might be to post references to it online. Keeping an eye on your child’s social media is always important. If they’re not outright anonymously posting, there’s just that much more disconnect between them and the readers absorbing their thoughts online. Posting jokes or thoughts about suicide became such a problem that Twitter published webpages covering how to identify posts about self-harm and the company’s approach to dealing with users who post such content. In today’s world, one would hopefully express concern before a post is “red flagged” as a mental health concern, but this certainly speaks to the magnitude of mental health risks for teens.
Many teens today are much more sensitive to mental health issues compared to previous generations, and there is much less shame around needing help, so approaching them from a place of genuine concern, will, in the long run, make them feel loved. Explaining that jokes about self-harm, suicide, or violence can cause pain and unease for friends and family who are dealing with these issues is also necessary. Remember, your goal is to encourage ONGOING communication.
There’s also virtually an entire internet underworld worth of memes about suicide, seemingly as light-hearted as they are dark, which some believe can help ease thoughts of suicide. “When you read the threads on these memes, people find them helpful. They don’t feel alone,” Bart Andrews, board member at the American Association of Suicidology, told The Atlantic. “It’s a way for them to anonymously communicate their inner pain in a way that’s artistic, [and] super clever."
Still, it’s also important to note that joking or meme-ing about suicide, in what one might think a completely harmless and “obviously kidding” way, could be upsetting to others who’ve had suicidal ideations, previously attempted suicide, or lost someone to suicide. And making jokes about suicide, some argue, normalizes the behavior, making it difficult for loved ones to tell when someone is genuinely in trouble.
Should a friend or family member broach the subject in real life, though, there is a playbook you can follow. “It is always important to take it seriously and to ask that person directly if that’s really something they’re thinking about,” Vaughan says. If they brush you off, she says, show empathy and concern in a way that feels authentic to your relationship, and let them know that you’re there to talk if they are, indeed, ever thinking about suicide.
If you’re genuinely concerned at this point, enlist the help of professionals — psychiatric specialists or medical doctors, perhaps in the closest hospital’s emergency room if the situation seems serious enough — as well as other friends or family members eager to issue support. They could be in such a dark hole, Vaughan says, that their vision and their thought processes are entirely clouded by it.
So if a person you love makes jokes about suicide, be safe rather than sorry. Rise to the occasion that the intimacy level dictates, and tactfully, compassionately, confront them. The worst that’ll happen is that you’ll be forever labeled “the one that cares too much.” It could be worse.
If you or a loved one are in need of help, dial or text 988.
To learn more, visit: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/tween-and-teen-health/in-depth/teen-suicide/art