Parenting Teens: Part 3
The pornography conversation, it’s important, but why it’s really important in 2022….
When teaching on topics of sexual health and risk avoidance, it’s important to have a feeling for the issues that the classroom in front of me on a given day is facing. For example, experimenting with alcohol may be an issue for a particular grade in one school, but not necessarily in the school a few miles away. It’s interesting that student culture can vary from one area to another, confirming that we, as humans, are influenced by our peers. Parents and teachers have, generally, always had an awareness of this. The differences I come across remind me not to stereotype students, putting “these kids today” into a box, and trying as best I can to honor them individually. With that said, there are two primary issues that are of immediate concern in virtually every school and grade I speak too, that of vaping (a subject for another day) and consumption of digital pornography online.
I assumed that there were a safety nets and parental protocols that allowed parents to control the content their child could access online. I assumed that one had to “sign up”, verify age, and provide a credit card for payment to access adult material on the internet. Imagine my surprise when a room of sixth grade boys answered this question with a unanimous yes: Have you ever received adult material, a nude photo, or some type of contact online from an individual or site that made you feel uncomfortable, especially as a minor? Every boy in the room had been targeted with pornographic images via direct messaging. I felt ill. Most of the boys told me they were using “Snap” (snapchat) and that they had lied about their ages to set up their accounts, saying they were 13. I knew, as an adult male, receiving direct messages from “porn bots” or adult entertainment sights was a part of modern life, but I naively assumed internet providers, the government, schools, and parents had means to ensure children weren’t accessing pornography. Imagine my surprise to learn that an adolescent boy binging on digital pornography was the norm not the exception.
To the point, many parents never have a conversation with their child about the dangers of pornography. Some, like I used to be, simply aren’t aware of the issue of “easy access”. I have friends, who are fathers, who feel that “boys will be boys” and that seeking out porn is an inevitable part of growing up for boys, an indicator that they are “healthy and red blooded.” This attitude probably springs from norms and attitudes embraced and manifested since the 1960s/1970s sexual revolution, where “sexual shaming” became the cultural taboo. “Shaming” an adolescent for their sexual curiosity/behavior carried horrible implications for children, and there is legitimacy in these claims. A child shouldn’t be shamed or made to feel “dirty” for peeking at porn as in many cultures pre-1960. A fathers own experience with adult imagery as a young man may influence his feelings about his own teens partaking in adult content (In my house, growing up, this was forbidden, considered “dirty” and “immoral.” However, in a friend’s house, it was ok to gloss through the random Playboy magazine.) The prevailing issue in our society today are, however, not only issues of sexual morality and values, but much more so issues of ACCESS, FREQUENCY, and the BRAIN EFFECTS of digital video pornography. Parents may form a false equivalency between their own early exposure to adult images, via a magazine or DVD/video, to that of teens accessing a digital porn site. Although a parent may remember these episodes as rare, young people today are consuming porn at an unprecedented rate. Many teens watch digital pornography on a daily basis, which is very different from previous generations. Daily viewing of adult content was rare before the digital age. Thousands of new clips are released daily online.
Here's what the research tells us: In today's world of easily accessible, free internet porn, about half of all teens have visited sexually explicit sites intentionally. More boys seek out porn than girls, and there's some research that indicates that kids who are depressed are exposed to more explicit images, both on purpose and by accident. Stats on how porn affects kids are tough to pin down (partly due to the difficulty of doing long-term studies of kids about something that's potentially harmful). But research shows a valid correlation between porn viewing and negative outcomes.
Porn affects kids' perception of sex. Studies show that kids who view porn consider sex to be more of a recreational activity than an expression of deep love. There is little “romance” in todays pornography, with sex being portrayed as a spontaneous transaction, often degrading in nature. Porn may make men devalue women. Research shows a link between highly explicit pornography and viewing women more as objects. This criticism of porn isn’t new, but is more relevant now, due to the level of digital consumption.
Porn is addictive. People can get addicted to porn, in a manner that mimics addiction to drugs. The user has a blissful initial experience with porn, the user becomes preoccupied with consumption, the consumption replaces other healthy activities, and eventually, the users ability to feel pleasure is destroyed. Men younger than 25 are seeking treatment for porn addiction, specifically because they are literally unable to connect, even physically, with a partner. In a sense, their brains have been so overridden with thousands of digital sexual images, that they cannot feel a natural attraction for women. Their ability to even date has been harmed.
It's time for a frank discussion.
Talk to your kid about porn. Talking about it won't make your kids want to see it more. In fact, having a conversation enables you to frame the subject age-appropriately. It's helpful to separate porn, the medium, from sex, the natural biological process. Since a lot of kids get exposed to porn accidentally, start here:
What does your kid know about porn? If they've seen it, ask how they came across it: Did they look for it, or did someone show them something?
Tell your kids that it's natural to be curious. Be open and available. Make sure they know you're available to talk about any subject.
Be upfront about what porn really is. For older kids, explain that pornography typically presents the extremes of human relationships. The people depicted are usually paid actors. It doesn't show real intimacy. Explain the toll it takes on its users: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.
Reinforce that curiosity is normal, but that fulfilling that curiosity with digital pornography is leading to serious consequences for many, and that their health and happiness is your primary concern.
Even liberal media sources are covering the issue of modern porn addiction , and its consequences. Encourage your teen to check out videos such as “Raised on Porn” on Youtube, as well as websites such as Fight The New Drug online. Consider up to date safety software to protect your children from solicitation and access. With the growing research around the issue of pornography, you can make sure your child is educated on the dangers in an objective, non-shaming, manner.
To read more, check out:
https://fightthenewdrug.org/get-the-facts/
https://raisedonporn.com/