Parenting Teens: Part 1

Over dinner, a friend confided that their had been a recent surge in “drama” at his house, including shout downs between him and his 12 year old daughter. “It happens SO quickly,” he said. “She’s my adorable little girl one minute and BAM, were raging at each other!” My friend went on to say these episodes left him feeling ashamed and guilty. “I swore I wouldn’t lose my temper and that I wouldn’t be an angry, ranting, father. I feel awful.” My friend is learning to check his own anger and choose the “higher road” during the tense times with his daughter. As challenging as it can be, keeping one’s cool and remaining calm in the face of an angry teen, is giving them what they need in the moment.

Anyone living with a teen has seen an angry outburst up close. They may stomp up the stairs and slam the door while yelling at the top of their lungs. These outbursts are not foreign to parents of teens, but are part and parcel of this chapter in life. “The door slams! They infuriate me!” said my pal. “I literally have to count breaths to not overreact in anger.”

Teens are in that time of life when they want so badly to be an adult and get very upset when they are still treated as a child. Hormones also play a part in their mood swings and intense emotions. Even more so, the teen brain is still forming the functions that help them manage their emotions. So what do you do to calm down an angry teenager as well as yourself? How do you stay a “calm, loving parent”?

It may help to remember that, although the adolescent looks much more mature physically, their brain is no where near fully mature. The limbic region of the brain regulates the executive functions, like decision-making, emotion regulation, impulse control, and self-control. This brain region is not fully formed until age 25. When the brain is not fully matured a teen may lash out in anger when they feel slighted, disappointed, or frustrated. This is due to a lack of coping skills. I remember my parents , with high expectation for their 6’3” 14 year old son, asking “you’re a grown man, so why don’t you act like one!?!” My answer at the time, “I dunno..” And, realistically, I didn’t. Only in recent years have we began to appreciate that grown bodies do not indicate grown brains for teenagers.

Some of the signs that a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed include being difficult to reason with, getting into heated arguments often, and having frequent angry outbursts rage. A trickier situation may occur when a teen broods or shuts down (my parents called this ‘pouting”). Teen anger isn’t always loud it seems. Sometimes it’s the opposite.

Does your teen stew and simmer when they are upset, instead of expressing their anger? Not all teens show overt signs of being angry. Instead, some teens become closed off emotionally and isolate in their rooms. It’s important to offer extra attention, opening a door for important conversations. They may stuff their feelings and may express their anger in unhealthy ways, so be as communicative as possible.

By not showing their anger in an outward way, parents might think all is fine with their child. It is crucial to keep an eye on the teen’s mood, as teen depression rates have risen sharply. Stay tuned in to the small, quiet signs your teen might be struggling with depression. Depression symptoms include: signs of sadness, or feeling hopeless, a drop in energy, loss of interest, poor hygiene, plummeting grades, and feelings of worthlessness.

When parents attempt to diffuse anger, it is often at the peak of the outburst when the teen is simply not open. There are many ways to assist teens in controlling their anger, and these should be practiced in an ongoing manner for best results:

Teach techniques to relax. Teach the teen some techniques that can help them relax that they can access when they feel angry. These can include deep breathing, mindfulness, doing art, soothing music, or taking a walk. Over time they will begin to turn to these methods when they feel anger bubbling up.

Teach problem-solving skills. Show the teen how to resolve a problem in a calm, controlled way. Teach them how to come up with some solutions for a given problem. When the teen helps to brainstorm solutions it makes them feel more in control. Remember, we know confronting anger with anger doesn’t work. The teen mind can be chaotic, seeking calming reassurance, even in the middle of an outburst. No parent is perfect, and there is no shame in seeking resources to help you care for your teen in a constructive manner. Will you still lose your temper? Of course, like your teen, your not perfect. As with most things consider PROGRESS not PERFECTION. I’ve heard one mother talk about learning to give herself space to calmly breath and step back from outburst situations from her daughter. “I breath and tell her,” wow, lets have a good talk after we calm down a few minutes, I love you and want us to resolve this in the best way for you, but were both really emotional right now.” “I allow some de-escalation time. I take responsibility for the conversation, as a parent.” That is what progress looks like.

This is part one of a four part blog series on communicating with your teen, so happy parenting until next time. For more resources, check out:

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a29500829/teenage-anger/

https://www.parentingforbrain.com/how-to-deal-with-an-angry-teenager/