What are they thinking?

I’m sure you’ve said the words yourself. When confronted with a not-so-wise decision on the part of one of your kids, you exasperatingly say “What exactly were you thinking?”

I know I’ve probably said this more times than I can count.  “You made mudpies while wearing your new clothes? What were you thinking?” “You decided to see how much water could go into the bathtub before it overflowed? What were you thinking?” “You got the milk out of the fridge and filled up the dog bowls? What were you thinking?” “You colored on the dog with a permanent marker? Seriously, what were you thinking?” “You painted your entire tongue green? Were you thinking at all?” “Your finger painted the wall with Vaseline. What made you think that was a good idea?” Unfortunately, all those relate to my now five-year-old, who, by the age of two, was the cutest little master at shrugging her shoulders and saying “I-on’t-know.”

But aside from the simple mischievousness of toddlers, sometimes the choices of our teens really warrants that question. We really, really want to know what was going on in that brain of theirs. They look like adults, so we expect them to act and think like adults too. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case.

While it had long been assumed that a full-grown brain should act like a full-grown adult, new studies are showing that the adolescent brain is not, in fact, equal to the adult brain.

According to a study published by University of Rochester Medical Center, not only has it been revealed that the brain doesn’t reach maturity until about age 25, but the teen brain actually functions differently than the adult brain.

I always tell my students that if I could go back to school to study something (as in, if I had the money and the time to go back to school), I’d love to study the brain (well, that, and genetics). The brain has all these different parts that control different things and it is really so interesting to learn about the neurochemicals and all that other stuff that’s currently way above my pay grade.

As adults, we rely on our prefrontal cortex to make a lot of our choices. And it makes sense, as that’s the part of our brains that tend to be more rational. Additionally, that part tends to be more aware of potential consequences, suppresses impulses and looks more toward the future. And as MRI scans show, not only do teens not use that part when making decisions, it’s one of the last parts of the brain to mature. So that means there’s a good chance that your teen wasn’t thinking when making a particular choice, but instead, they were feeling.

Teens tend to rely on the amygdala to make their choices. That’s the part of the brain that processes emotions. Think back to when you were younger, and made a decision when you were really angry. Once you calmed down, there’s a good chance you looked back at that and said, “Yeah, that was a pretty dumb choice.”

Since the prefrontal cortex isn’t fully mature, teens actually lack the ability to make fully-mature decisions.  Now, do understand. I’m not at all giving your kids a pass here. I’m not telling them it’s ok to make an unwise decision, and simply follow it up by saying “Ms. Tiffany told me it’s kinda my job to make bad choices right now. My brain doesn’t work right.” But what I am saying is this provides even more evidence that parents need to play an active role in their kids’ lives.

So, what do you do with this information? Keep open communication. Sometimes, as parents, we don’t want our kids to know we made some of the very same choices they made. And while I don’t know that it’s the most wise to list all your lapses in judgement to your kids, I do think you can encourage them by letting them know that things today aren’t entirely different than things you faced. Let them know that you learned the hard way a choice wasn’t wise, even before they are faced with the same choice.

It’s also important for you to be patient with your kids and remember that they don’t think like you do.

They aren’t going to make the same connections as quickly as you do. However, when you talk with them about choices and consequences, you help them exercise that decision making ability, allowing it to grow stronger. It’s also important for you to control your emotions when they do make an unwise decision. Remember, that’s what they are responding to in the first place: emotions. They may sense your fear or sadness in what they are saying as anger and frustration, and this may cause them to shut down the lines of communication.

And, this is important. While I fully believe that as parents, we should protect our children from harm and pain, not all unwise decisions will result in the same consequence. And if that consequence isn’t especially severe, it’s possible it can be a good learning opportunity. Some choices have short term implications, while others have those long term effects. As parents, we need to look at protecting them long term, as they can’t do that completely on their own at this point. And those short-term effects could impact their long-term decision making. Didn’t do your homework because you were having fun playing video games with friends? Now you know that responsibilities need to come first.

I know, I know. It’s so much easier for me to give this information and advice now because I don’t have teenagers. But, I’m getting close, and I do work with them. A lot. And I’ve seen the consequences of their choices, only for them to follow up by saying “I wasn’t really thinking.” As parents and educators, we need to recognize that our teens don’t think like adults, and we shouldn’t really expect them to. If you would like more information on the adolescent brain, visit www.medinstitute.org, shoot me an email at tiffany@theedgeonlife.org. You could even stop by The Care Center and ask for me. I’ve got tons of resources I can send your way.

I’m all about learning, and learning from others. Maybe we could all learn from the car rental companies. Now it makes sense why they don’t rent to those under the age of 25.