Life is about Growth

Sometimes, it’s really hard to practice what we preach. As seasons of life change, I’m finding myself doing things I said I’d never do as a parent. I’m finding myself remembering columns I’ve written over the years, and judging myself for the decisions I’m making.

I told myself my kids would have very limited screen time. And while that is true for the most part, we have fallen into a system of watching something in the morning before school, and in the afternoon right after school. Facepalm.

I told myself we’d eat home-cooked meals at least six nights a week. Not too long ago, we had take out three times from Sunday to Thursday. THREE TIMES. Facepalm.

I told myself if we were to eat something other than a home-cooked meal, we would still eat it around a table as a family. Two weeks ago, we went through the drive thru and the kids ate in the car. My car still smells like French fries. Facepalm.

I told myself I’d make sure my kids showered every night and wore clean clothes every day. My son likes to sleep in what he plans to wear the next day, my youngest daughter thinks that if clothes aren’t visibly dirty, they are clean, and my youngest son likes to eat dirt. Facepalm.

I told myself we would follow our routine and schedule every night. I said my kids would be in bed before 8, the house would be clean before I got in bed and home would feel like a sanctuary. Can you actually hear me laughing out loud at that as you read this?

We are doing some pretty major home renovations right now. And that, added to a busy afterhours work schedule for my husband, fall sports picking back up and a busy season of work for me, I’m often lucky to make it in my bed before falling asleep. And I hear the younger me (the one with more energy and a few less pounds) judging the overtired, sometimes overextended, mom of four me. And sometimes, I have to laugh at just how clueless I was then.

I’m not saying those things aren’t important. I still fully believe that the relationship between parents and their children is of utmost importance. I still believe that overexposure to media can be detrimental, and I still believe that children thrive with a routine in place.

But, I also believe that it’s important for our children to see our hearts, not just our rules.

It’s about apologizing to them when you fall short of the same standards you set for them (this one is particularly hard to do).

My youngest son loves dirt. While I don’t mind dirt in and of itself, I can’t stand dirt under my fingernails, or under my kids nails. So when my husband sent a picture of the little guy loving some time in the dirt, I admit. I sighed loudly and felt my heart rate go up. Because I knew that there were other things to be done that day, and the boy wouldn’t get a bath before.

But his face was so, so happy. He had such joy, and honestly, it’s no wonder Daddy is the favorite. He encourages the kids to play in mud and dirt and with bugs. And I’m the one that follows up with “wash your hands, take a shower and USE SOAP!”

My husband and I were talking the other day, and were laughing about our walking speed. While on a walk, a friend commented that she didn’t know we were going on a speed walk and she was struggling to keep up. I didn’t feel like I was walking fast. But my husband pointed out that over our years together, we’ve met in the middle. He has slowed his pace a little, and I’ve sped my pace up a little. Marriage is all about compromise, after all.

And I realized the same is true for parenting. Rules and expectations are important, and it’s especially important that our kids know what those are. Yes, kids will push boundaries and limits, but it’s our job to lovingly remind them that boundaries are in place to protect them, and to help them grow.

It’s also our job to realize that we can’t parent our 11-year-old the same way we parent a 5-year-old. It’s ok for my kids to have different bed times. It’s ok to give the oldest more responsibilities as she gets older. And I shouldn’t expect the 5-year-old to have the same discipline as the older kids.

Life, and parenting, is about growth. If we aren’t growing, we aren’t moving forward, and before long, we will be left behind. Parenting is about constantly looking at things that are working well, and learning and adjusting to things that aren’t. It’s about changing, and realizing that you’re not the same person you were 15 years ago. It’s about knowing your children, and realizing that there is no one-size-fits-all way of parenting. It’s about knowing your kids so deeply that you know what works for each one. And it’s about letting your kids see your heart just as often as they see your rules.