How Much do you Talk?

I love my children. Seriously, I do. But I have one particular child that I feel certain she talks mainly to hear her own voice. Sometimes she isn’t saying words. She’s just making sounds. She makes her stuffed animals talk. Her pillow talks. And when she forgets a toy in the car, her fingers talk to each other. This child does not know silence.

I know that one day in the not too distant future, I will miss the times that she so willingly talked to me. I know that as she gets older, mom isn’t going to be the person she wants to talk to about everything from outfit decisions to dating decisions.

But even though she may not want to come to me, I need to make sure she knows she can come to me.

October was Let’s Talk month, but we think it’ important to have continuing discussion with your kids throughout the year. At the EDGE, we want to equip parents to have “the talk” continually, rather than just once. And though the goal of Let’s Talk Month is to encourage age-appropriate discussions of sexual health, at The EDGE, we think it’s important to talk about much more.

“The Talk” can be intimidating, not just to the kid, but also to the parent. So often we want to make sure we are giving the right information without giving too much information. We worry that we will say the wrong words, or that we will make our kids more curious than they are in the first place. Or we assume that our kids actually know it all already, and they don’t need us. But unfortunately, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. If they don’t get information from parents, they will get it elsewhere. And I know I don’t want Netfilx to be my children’s sex education.

So, how can you prepare for “the talk?” The first thing to realize is these discussions aren’t best as a once-and-done type conversation. If you are willing to broach the subject when relevant (say, when you notice an on-screen character making an unwise decision), rather than setting aside a specific time right before their 13th birthday, the subject matter becomes less awkward. You kids begin to see you as someone who is willing to talk about these things.

Do some reading. Make sure you are prepared for the questions they will ask. For parents of younger kids, that may just mean knowing an age-appropriate answer to “where to babies come from?” For parents of older kids, it may mean checking out the top songs on Billboard to know what ideas are being expressed (go ahead and look up the lyrics to WAP. That will give you conversation fodder for DAYS). It means knowing terms (check out UrbanDictionary.com for definitions to words you’ve never even heard) and knowing trends.

Another important piece of opening communication is making sure your children recognize your expectations. You can’t expect your children to meet those expectations if they don’t know what they are. Create a “family rules” board, word cloud or artwork that hangs in a common space. Don’t wait to address problems as they come, but instead, create boundaries to prevent the problems in the first place. Of course problems will come along, but you have to admit it’s difficult to punish a child for making a choice that breaks a rule or a boundary they didn’t even know existed.

Along these same lines, be sure to make sure your children know what boundaries you expect to be put in place in their relationships. It may seem silly to not allow your 8- or 9-year-old to be in a closed room with a friend of the opposite sex, but if you start laying the groundwork early, you will avoid the arguments that arise from a sudden rule change when your child is now “dating” the kid from down the street and they show up at your house for the day.

And keep in mind that talking about healthy relationships doesn’t just mean talking about the physical or sexual aspect of a relationship. While it is important to discuss teen sexual activity and consequences, look for other relevant material to discuss. For example, teen dating violence is on the rise and is worth discussing. According to the NO MORE project, 33% (that’s an astonishing 1 in 3) adolescents are victims of physical, verbal, sexual or emotional dating violence. Use this month to make sure your kids can identify various signs of unhealthy relationships (spoiler alert – teen sexual activity is considered a risky behavior, according to the CDC). Make sure they know what is acceptable behavior for a dating partner, and what is unhealthy and even abusive. And make sure they know that you are a safe place they can come to report any abuse.

But remember, even though talking is important, it’s not all there is to it. One of the most important parts of talking is listening. Listen to what your kids are asking. Remove distractions and focus on them. Put the phone down and stop cleaning if they come to you with a question. Make eye contact and don’t discount or discredit their feelings.

You aren’t in this alone. At The EDGE, we have great resources we can provide to you. Check out our Facebook page for conversation starters. Or stop by our office to pick up a “Let’s Talk” box full of conversation cards for middle or high school students.

I do this for a living with other people’s kids. I talk to them about puberty and dating and setting boundaries and making good decisions. But guys, my oldest child just turned 11. And I knew it was time for me to start the conversation. So, we took a girls’ day to go shopping and have lunch, and I realized that she could smell fear. If I was afraid and made it awkward, it would be awkward, and she wouldn’t want to come to me again. And I want her to come to me or her dad. Because she’s too important for me to let her believe what culture has to say.