Should You Trust Your Teen?
One of the challenges of being a parent is knowing how much to trust your teen(s). The reason why this matters is because a parent’s level of trust in their teen should determine the levels of responsibility and freedom that the teen is given. Unfortunately, parents often fall in one of two extremes.
Some parents believe that teens are simply not trustworthy at all. They believe that teens cannot and should not be trusted no matter the circumstances or overall maturity of the teen. This often comes from their own experience as they remember that they themselves were not trustworthy as a teen or think back to the stupid things their friends did back in the day. Parents that buy into this perspective tend to not allow much freedom and do not let their teens have any decision-making responsibility. While coming from a good desire to protect their teens and see them flourish, they can turn into helicopter parents that do everything for their teen.
On the other hand, other parents choose to trust their teens with everything. They give them unlimited freedom and allow them to make their own decisions as “responsible” adults. These parents may or may not give their teens advice, but in the end, the decisions rest with the teen and their desires. Sometimes what motivates these parents is their own upbringing where they were allowed freedom, so they want to pass that on to their teens. Or on the opposite end of experience, they were not allowed any freedom or decision-making, so they do the exact opposite of what their parents did.
In situations where parents tend to go to one extreme or the other, the best parenting style is usually somewhere in the middle. It is not hard to see that parenting from either of these styles will not lead to the best development of the teens. When teens have parents that allow them no freedom, two things usually happen. First of all, it is easy for teens in this scenario to resent their parents and feel like their parents do not want them to have any fun. Even though the parent is protecting their teen, it can really strain the relationship moving forward. Secondly, this style of parenting does not help teens learn how to make good and healthy decisions. If all of a teen’s decisions are made for them, they will not be adequately prepared to make decisions as they mature in life. Again, this style seems to protect teens, but it often ends up not being beneficial in the long run.
For teens that grow up with unfettered freedom and the ability to do whatever they want, it is not very difficult to see where this could lead to major problems. Teens are not fully developed and are not ready to handle the most challenging decisions in life. If they are simple allowed to do what they want, they will likely avoid doing hard things and strive for things that feel good. While this will give them lots of life experience, most of it will likely be things that they will regret one day. The teen may love their freedom and trust from their parents, but it will not lead to the best outcomes (we tend to see these teens struggle in many ways).
So, what is the answer? Parents need to trust their teens as their teens earn that trust. Parents must give small freedoms and small decisions in a controlled environment (low stakes, low risk decisions) that allow their teens to experience freedom, but with a parent’s help. As teens become better decision-makers, they should be given more freedom and trust from their parents.
The key as a parent is to start this process when your kids are younger (like eight to ten) so that they can mature and be ready for high school level decisions. If you have a teen that has proven that they are not trustworthy, you will need to essentially start over and have them begin to build trust with you. This may require you to remove some of the freedoms that they have enjoyed (which will not make them happy) for the purposes of their growth. And if you have not allowed your teens to make their own decisions, it is time to give them some freedom and walk them through how to make healthy decisions. In this case, you must start with a little trust in your teen in order to let them make their own decisions.
No matter your parenting situation, take time to reflect on your parenting style and consider how you strike the balance of freedom, trust, and decision-making. Ultimately, if you love your teen, you will hold them accountability and help them develop into young men and women that make healthy life choices.