Help! I don’t like who my teen is dating!
Parents It's common for a teen to start dating someone that their parents don't approve of or even like. Parents who face this delicate situation need to decide on the best way to handle it without pushing their child away. They often wonder if it's better to tell their teen how they really feel or to keep those opinions to themselves. Those who face this delicate situation need to decide on the best way to handle it without pushing their child away. They often wonder if it's better to tell their teen how they really feel or to keep those opinions to themselves.
First, make sure you and your child have a functional understanding of what dating actually is. A crush at school or church may mean “dating” to one middle schooler, but literally nothing to the adolescent they are fond of. Before puberty, kids play with words and ideas in an attempt to understand future relationships. It's important for a parent and child to have a shared common language as related to relationships, activities, and behavior.
Dr. Jordan Peterson made a comment in a lecture that many parents didn’t understand: “Don’t let your kids do things you will resent them for doing.” My personal interpretation of this comment is that it is not only okay to raise your child based on your faith and values as a parent, setting them up for the best future. For example, it is healthier to raise your child based on your rules and boundaries for them than to let them do things you find unhealthy or harmful, such as smoking or drinking alcohol, simply because a friend's parents do. If you feel your child shouldn’t date ANYONE until a certain age, by all means, it is your job to set that boundary. Most counselors to parents feel teens shouldn’t begin dating until age 16.
So, what if your teen is mature and responsible enough to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, and you are concerned or unhappy about who they have feelings for? This predicament requires special consideration—and very careful word choices—if and when you address it. Remember that your teen cares for and is excited about the person they are dating. Tread very lightly, and check any negativity or catastrophizing at the door. Let them know your concern is for THEIR happiness and success.
Start by asking yourself if you are being judgmental or making unfair assumptions about your teen's dating partner. Are you letting your personal biases or expectations enter into the equation? Are you upset about their religion, race, physical appearance, hobbies or interests, or even socioeconomic status? Do you make huge dating mistakes as a teen and want to protect your child from similar pain or stress?
Be honest with yourself. If these feelings are at the root of your concern, then it might be a good idea to take a step back and engage in some self-reflection. If personal preferences or prejudices are not among your concerns and you feel you have good reason to object to the person your teen is dating, then proceed with caution. Clearly, if you feel your teen is in an unhealthy relationship, you may need to step in. However, it's important to be sure that your concerns are well-grounded before doing so.
In general, it's not a good idea to criticize your teens' friends or 'crushes.' Avoid lecturing or offering too much advice. No matter how well-intentioned, when parents come full force to express their displeasure, teens are bound to ignore them. It can be a fragile fine line to keep communication open and honest and ensure the well-being of the child.
Your teen may also find the object of their affection even more attractive in the face of your displeasure. If you pressure them, your teen may delve deeper into a relationship that you had hoped would be short-lived. Rather than throwing down the gauntlet if you don't like who your teen is dating, gather information and approach the situation with an open mind. There are ways to handle this without blowing up your relationship with your teen.
Before jumping to conclusions about your teen's choice in dating partners, start by asking questions. The key is to find out what your teen is thinking, what their relationship is really like, and what attracts them to this person. Tailor the questions you have to the specific circumstances of your teen's romance, including anything you wonder about. Try these questions to start:
How did you two meet?
What are your dating partner's interests?
What do you enjoy doing together?
What do you like about this person?
What do you like best about the relationship?
Do you see yourself “getting serious,” and if so, how will this affect your future plans?
Be sure you are open-minded and truly listen to your teen's answers. Set any preconceived notions aside and don't jump in until your child is finished speaking. Rather than going right to adding your thoughts and concerns, aim to ask more questions. Teens can tell when parents are trying to put them on the spot or are highlighting reasons why the relationship won't work. If you are not in a place where you can genuinely ask questions and be open to the answers, then hold off until you can talk about it from a place of curiosity rather than mistrust or apprehension.
Remind yourself that you raised your teenager. If you worked hard to instill values, you have to trust your teen to make good decisions—eventually. Even though teenagers can often sense parental disapproval, they still need to understand the rules and boundaries you set for them are made in love. A friend of mine used a version of what I call the “Three Month Rule” when it came to his 15-year-old daughter's interest in a 16-year-old boy from Summer camp.
He explained that he wanted to get to know her friend and explained to her the importance of not acting based on feelings but making healthy, well-thought-out decisions based on knowledge. He told her he felt she wasn’t ready for a committed relationship at age 15, and for her to enjoy getting to know her new interest in safe and healthy activities, such as church outings or school events. He told her that if they still wanted to be in a committed relationship after three months' time, he could readdress the relationship at that time. He had this discussion in a positive tone, explaining how feelings can take huge redirections as a teenager, and we make most of our relationship mistakes by moving too fast whether a teen or an adult.
Like most teen romances, my friend’s daughter lost interest in her new found love after three short weeks, explaining they had little in common and very different ideas about life, college, family, and church. It’s important to have good conversations around a circumstance like this, asking what the teen learned from the experience. Did they notice how quickly the feelings changes as the two spent time together? Does she have a more clear picture for what she might like, or like to do in future relationships? Through this experience, she learned invaluable lessons about herself in a relationship, how to maintain boundaries. My friend didn’t shut her down, or attack the boy with criticism, but provided healthy boundaries and safe activities for them to get to know each other, and learn social skills for the future.